February 2012
1 post
January 2012
10 posts
Hey. Hey guys…um…hey. So I’m thinking it would be cool, nay, SUPER cool if you all got together and bought me this for my birthday. It’s a Guinness Pub. FOR MY HOUSE! I’ll pay for half if you guys cover the other $125K. And you’ll be invited over like ALL the time. Beers on the house because I’m super generous with my stuff. What do you say?
...
Friends in bands are adorable...
What I wish I had the courage to post on Facebook
“Look guys, I like most of you, love a few of you and tolerate the rest of you. That will probably never change. But regardless of how I feel about you, I don’t discuss politics or religion with friends. That too will never change.
I have a very strong political opinion. My point of view won’t change your mind and if you happen to agree with me then I’m only preaching to...
I choose to believe this actually happened...
You don’t know me, Judgy McJudging Door.
A for effort
Leaving work, I’m walking by a large banner advertising an exhibition at an art museum. A homeless woman with a shopping cart full of plastic bottles and cans stops me. While I naturally assumed she would ask me for money she instead asked me what the exhibition was about. Quite surprised, I tried to explain.
Homeless Lady: Is it good?
Me: Sure.
HL: Is it free?
M: No. It’s $15.
...
Dear 2011
[An open letter to an odd year. Feel free to ignore]
Dear 2011,
I’ll miss you. It’s true. I’ve met better, more handsome and even smarter years but you, by no means were the worst year I’ve ever dealt with. Don’t for a second think I’m comparing you to 2001. That guy was an abusive asshole. You sir, are no 2001.
But let’s face it, 2011. You...
December 2011
8 posts
21st-century Mom
Mom: I think I want a Kindle.
Me: Sure, but if you get a Nook, it’ll make it easier for us to loan books to each other.
Mom: Oh. So I need to get a Kindle Nook?
Me: Yes. Get that. You can pick one up at Books-A-Million.
She’s going to be so mad at me when she gets back.
Goal for 2012
Acquire giant bunny:
I will then change my name to Agnes and do this everyday: http://youtu.be/RZWwNlKn8xE
I'm just going to pretend it didn't happen.
This weekend a good friend, rather drunk at the time, made things a tiny bit awkward when he said randomly and without context, “I’m going to go home but I’ll leave the door unlocked if you want to come over and have sex.”
True story.
Of all the Facebook notifications I receive, “Your friend has finally stopped posting 10 pictures a day of her baby.” is the one I want the most.
The latest picture came with the comment, “I just gave baby a bath and when I don’t brush his hair it gets curly.”
I could take pictures of what I’m doing and post it every hour or so. “Just sent an...
Parenting and online word games
So there I was playing Hanging with Friends. At 3 in the morning. Because I can’t sleep and why not? Who doesn’t do their best thinking at 3 in the morning? In this one particular game I’ve correctly guessed the last 2 words. My mystery opponent has guessed one word but missed the last two. No big. There’s still time for mystery opponent to come back. Otherwise I’ll...
It's funny, 'cause it's true.
damnfunnytexts:
November 2011
13 posts
Don’t you hate it when you’re starving and you order a bunch of food but then you have a drink while you’re waiting only to then find you were thirsty not hungry. But you’ve just ordered all this food and you don’t want it to go to waist so you eat it and hate yourself as you realize this is why you’ll be fat forever because your stupid brain can’t tell...
“Hey would you have any interest in joining the JLR?”
“Hell yeah, I would! Do I need my own costume and secret identity or will the JLR provide it?”
“Um…what?”
“Well, if I’m going to join a Justice League, I’m going to need a costume and secret identity. Come on, this can’t be news to you. You’re on the JLR yourself,...
Thanksgiving at my uncle’s house. He had his ex-girlfriend cook dinner. A dinner to which she was not invited. But his new girlfriend was. It’s pretty awkward changing the subject every time someone mentions how good the dinner is. And Grandma won’t stop asking who cooked. Good times.
My day just got so much better!
My guy friend (now ex-friend, I guess) posted as his status: “I need a good woman to tuck me into bed. LOL!” So I commented: “Well then, you should just go downstairs and ask your mom.”
He deleted my comment and then deleted me.
Tee-hee!
I am a terrible person
My date kindly informed me that he’s a recovering alcoholic. He seems like a nice enough guy and I’ll probably see him again but I found myself wondering: Is he the ‘I don’t mind if others drink but I’m not going to’ alcoholic? Or the ‘You should probably hide your mouthwash when I come over’ alcoholic? We didn’t get into it really, but seems...
“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If...”
– Charles Bukowski (via lilyradio)
Pardon me, but I’m not really sure I see the ‘problem.’ What I learn from the above is what I’ve known all along: Drinking is the answer to everything.
I keed, I keed! (Mostly)
The Guinness World Record holder of bad kissers
So…the guy I mentioned here late Saturday night keeps texting me. In classic Drew passive aggressive mode, I waited* four days to respond. Four flippin’ days. That should be enough to show a lack of interest right? But it wasn’t. Before you start, I know what you’re thinking. Why, you’re probably saying to yourself, did you respond at all? Or perhaps you’re...
“I did not fall on the floor. I just thought the floor looked so sad that I had to give it a sudden hug.” Have you hugged your floor today?
Please sell my stuff from your house and make me...
What is the appropriate response to a friend who Facebook, email and text spams you to throw the equivalent of a Tupperware party at your house for her?
I hate Tupperware parties. I hate Pampered Chef parties. I hate Jewelry parties. I hate them all almost as much as I hate book clubs. I don’t go to them and I’ll be gosh darned if I throw one myself in my own house where I don’t...
Apologies in advance for the following political...
As someone who is hoping for a 2nd term for our beleaguered president, I am really excited at the possibility of Herman Cain getting the GOP nomination.
*Please feel free to unfollow me. I’ll understand. You can also yell at me in the comments.
October 2011
14 posts
I am apathetic towards Halloween.
There. I said it. Whew! That felt good.
I have never liked dressing up. As a kid it seemed a fair (though admittedly burdensome) exchange for free candy. I was actually grateful when I could use the “I’m too old for trick or treating” excuse to get out of it and would just hand out candy and appear above all such childish things. I was 11.
When I entered adulthood and adult...
It's days like this when I really, really hate...
From: StillDrew
To: CFO
RE: Budget Cuts
Is it Friday the 13th? Because I’m about to go all Jason Voohrees on this bitch.
_______________________________________________________
From: CFO
To: StillDrew
RE: Budgets Cuts
Please remember to check the basement.
He's not real...he's not real...he's not...
I don’t know how to explain it but I love this little guy.
He sits there on my iGoogle page running in his little wheel and drinking his water and sometimes he takes a nap and then if I hover my mouse over him he’ll stand upright begging for food and so I move my cursor from side to side and his little feet shuffle across the screen and it’s awesome. His name is Dexter because I...
No, honey, it really isn't.
The receptionist was transferred from our department to the CEO’s office. It’s a lateral move but she’s young and it will probably look good on her resume. Let’s just hope she doesn’t say this at her next job interview…
Her: Did you hear? I’m getting transferred to the CEO’s office.
Me: I did. Congratulations. Are you looking forward to the change?...
Is it weird that it feels like I lost a friend?
Thanks for everything, Steve.
September 2011
8 posts
1 tag
fussysaffa replied to your photo: A sunny day at the British Museum (Taken with…
Are you back in the UIK?!!?!
I was totally there! Just left late yesterday. Been there since Sunday. I sent you a DM but I don’t think Twitter likes me very much. Oh, well… :-(
I may die from cuteness overload... →
The cutest bear fight EVAR!